Monday, December 04, 2006

Arch Nemesis

I have really had to think about this prompt for a while. You would think that it wouldn't be so hard to figure out who your mortal enemy is. And one day, sitting in my house it suddenly came to me and it began with a simple phone call.

Thurday 8:45 PM
"Hi, may I speak with the head of the household please?"
"He's not in right now."
"Is your mother home?"
"Nope, she is gone as well." (They don't know that I am the mother in the household.)
"We will try back later." (Click.)

Soliciters. I can't stand these people. Don't bother putting up a "No Solicitng" sign, or signing up for the "Do Not Call" list, there is no way to escape this evil. It will haunt you and come to your door when you are trying to get in the shower. It will interupt you right in the middle of your family dinner. The never ending phone calls will wake your baby into the night. Why, why? Why do you seek to destroy all that is pleasant and good in the world? And why do you try to sound so cheery while you are doing it?

If you can't tell, I have had some bad experiences with soliciters. Let's face it, I am a sucker who can't say no. I don't like to be mean or rude. I hate to shut the door on someone, or to hang up on a real human being mid sentence. So that makes me their target audience, just ask my Husband. For my own protection, I am no longer allowed to open the door for these people because I will simply end up doing something stupid. Would you like 20 magazines for 20 dollars for 20 years? Yes please! Would you like one DVD each month for 32 months for the low and fair price of just 39.99 a each month? Yes please! (For your information, these are real sales pitches that to my Husbands utter dismay I have actually fallen for.) Just don't tell me that I have to pay 40 dollars for each magazine next month. And don't give me a chance to do the math to suddenly realize that maybe buying one DVD for 39.99 every month for 32 months really isn't a good deal. $1200.00 for 32 DVDs is not a good deal, right? I don't like these people. I don't like how they intend to take advantage of my good nature. I don't like their manipulation and scare tactics. Mostly because they work on softies like me!

So I finally had it. About 5 weeks after I had my baby he was finally taking a nap. People say that babies just sleep all day, they LOVE to sleep. I did not have one of those kinds of babies. My baby needed some training. So he was finally sleeping, and this was my chance- it was my chance to do something amazing and wonderful- it was my chance to shower! I was ready, the shower is on, it's getting steamy, the clothes are coming off. DING DONG! Who is here? Was I expecting someone? I throw some milk stained clothes on quickly, and run to the door. I peek through my window. Two men. Do I know them? Dang, they saw me. I open the door. "Hi, are you Mrs. So and So?" Yup, unfortunaltely thats me. One things leads to another and then another and all of the sudden the guy is asking me for the name of an Interior Designer in Utah and they are trying to come into my kitchen and cook a meal for me. I have been trying to get them to go away for a while now- why won't they just leave? The clock is ticking rapidly, who knows how long this nap will last. My anxiety is growing- they are making me feel claustrophobic. My mind is churning, "Please, this shower, I desperately NEED this shower for my sanity." The only way I could finally get them to leave was by making an appointment with them so they could come back to try to sell me their crappy frozen food again some other time. They leave. My cell phone rings, it's Bubby. I yell at my brother on the phone as he asks me where I am and "Are yo u coming for lunch?" "Yes I am coming! After I can get in the shower! Is that so much to ask for!? A shower!?" He is lost. Why is she yelling? Should we be worried about her? Yes, you should be worried, I have lost my mind all because of a relentless soliciter wearing a COUGARS hat. Kill me now.

So later that day my brother gave me great advice. He told me not to be there when they come back. To leave a note on the door that says, "You wasted my time, and now I am wasting yours." And I actually did it. These people got in my head and brought out the worst in me, and I lowered myself to their level and I manipulated, and took advantage, and did something mean.

I dread these people to this day. I don't even put the phone to my ear to actually hear who's voice it is that I am hanging up on. And I don't care if they see me look right at them through my window, only proceeding to lock my door and walk away. You are my Arch Nememsis you loathsome heathens.